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Kayotic Konfessions

Itz so much easier to be a Mess…

Month

December 2010

Yearly Cleanse….

"Countdown time"

Its my favorite time of year…THAT FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!!!

Every year,… I embrace the change. The change of my appearance (hair, clothes etc.)…the chance to start fresh. However, this year I’m embracing the chance to leave everything and everyone that pulled me down… in 2010 BEHIND. Whether it be so-called friends; friends I may even love….I will leave them behind without a second thought. If they never made the effort, then why the hell should I? Why should I embrace them or take them into this lovely NEW YEAR with me? I WONT!!!!

Did you hear me, I’m leaving it all BEHIND LOL! Even family!! Family, Blood, Adopted-fam, those I’ve given a title…. are all looked upon with a silver lining. These people believe they can do anything to a person, including breaking one’s spirit and it can be looked upon as okay…for we are family.<–WRONG!!! I’ll leave their asses in 2010 as well. I’m only on a POSITIVE trip, a NATURAL no chemicals needed high! I am in the pursuit of my happiness and NO ONE ELSE’s. Let me rephrase that: “There are a FEW, whose happiness will and shall remain a high priority in 2011, but again that’s a SMALL few. ūüėČ I’m sure I’ll be looked upon as selfish…”I don’t care”. All my life I have been looking out for others, caring about what others think and how I would be perceived. It took 23 years for me NOT TO CARE an OUNCE!!! FCUK YOU and what you feel (POINT BLANK!!! lol). ¬†I used to hate the thought of someone actually hating me… even those I KNEW that I didn’t even like. (strange right? I couldn’t explain it either) Well, those days are over = I don’t anymore. I’m not befriending people just because it’s the right thing to do. FCUK DAT!

“Love me or Hate me!!! Stay or Leave!!! Put for the EFFORT or KICK ROCKz!!”

I’m going into this NEW YEAR all smiles, IM GOIN INNNNN…with only a small few as I leave Many behind and I, for one… AM LOVING IT!!!!! Spending my evening with “The Guardian Angel” and possibly friends… ALL SMILES***

May Everyone have a GREAT and SAFE …..”NEW YEARS EVE“… Xoxo

(my next post may be a hangover one lls ūüėČ )

-Kayotic Konfessions

 

My Life’s “Drama Series” pt.3

“Did it work? Am I dead?”….

So there i was four months and happy… so I thought! My bday came and everyone that mattered was there including “Nomad”. We took pictures, had a blast and like always I was left paying the tab; at least for him. However, instead of him spending the rest of the day with me… (My bday and our anniversary mind you)… he gave me some BS excuse and said he’d see me later. Once again, blowing me off and being distant. My sis took me out thou, so I wouldn’t be sitting around with my face LONG and my emotions running wild. If you don’t know, being pregnant and trying to control your emotions ….isn’t easy!

 

The end to a good day came and still no “Nomad”, just more bullshit excuses. Said, he couldn’t get a ride and he was in the house playing cards with a cousin. I felt better knowing that so we said our good nights and mumbled our “I LOVE YOU’s”. It was the next day; Feb 25, 2007, that my fairy tale became a blur. Leave it to Facebook to show me that the love of my life had lied. He was not playing cards…. he was at home playing thou. At home, enjoying a party with the one that soon became his mistress. A party he swore two or three days before hand HE WAS NOT GOING TO HAVE. He flat-out lied to me. ūüė¶ We fought about it… I was crushed and …PREGNANT!!! smgdh. We continued to work things out etc… all the way up until MAY. ( I know, the agony of staying together until May.¬†“I did say I was YUNG ANS DUMB right??!” …Okay… don’t judge me.)

 

"Nomad no longer was mines"...he had wandered

However, In May that same girl became more visible on Facebook. She was every where, haunting me. Especially since… we looked so much alike. I then found myself knowing everything about her; we were so similar It was down right scary. She was everywhere I used to be, and still should had been. I eventually, couldn’t take it no more and asked him to be straight up. To be honest with me about her. “Where they together?” “No” he said. “Did he like her?” “Yes”, he answer. “Were they Fucking?”….there was NO REPLY! He then asked me if I really wanted to know the answer to that question. (with that statement I already knew) ¬† YES…he replied.

 

That was it. All it took was that three-letter word. There I was crushed to no end. I ranting and raved about it, but it fell upon deaf ears. He didn’t care how I felt. Just simply gave me an empty “Sorry”. Words that couldn’t caress, couldnt ease or fix my pain. I’m Pregnant and this home-wrecker that reminded me so much of the old me, the un-pregnant me….had just stolen my dream. {TRUE KONFESSION:: It left me to even do the one thing, that I have yet to ever do since…}

I called one night… and I BEG! (I ¬†know, me?..begging…crazy right??!!) I was truly the definition of desperate. I really thought a man was my world, all I had. I look back now and I become disgusted with myself. No man should ever get the pleasure of seeing or making a woman like this. But there I was on the floor (literally, the kitchen floor to be exact) as he gut punched and kicked me thru the phone. I WASN’T WHAT HE WANTED!! I NEEDED TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.HE HAD MOVED ON. ¬†I laid there for what felt like hours; crying. Holding my stomach for the pain was everywhere. I just wanted it to stop. I needed it to stop. I knew everything I felt, the baby felt. I hated hurting the baby. I even hated the baby for coming, for leading me right back to the person i had initially left. I became angry and furious. I WANTED IT TO BE GONE! I WANTED LIFE ITSELF TO BE OVER. I FELT LIKE I WAS UNWORTHY….LIKE I WAS NOTHING.

I went to the bathroom….contemplating. Just to say “FCUK IT” and there is where I took an entire bottle of PAIN KILLERS.

Did it work? Am I dead?”….

-Kayotic Konfessions

This Idiot….Thinks this is HUMOR!! smh

PEEP THE SO CALLED HUMOR::

I think we could all agree that he had it coming…

Idiot. LOL
jk evryone loves u steve irwin!!!!!!!

^^^^^^^^^^

Everyone see this so-called¬†“humor” up there right??! It was a blog I encountered yesterday that I didn’t¬†quite find¬†funny. (Kayotic? really..the¬†one that loves cracking jokes?..yeah I know) I didn’t¬†say how I really felt on the matter, I just typed “Aww¬†wow, that’s messed up”. I wasnt trying to attack the blogger, I just didn’t¬†think it was cute and figured I’d post the fact at least one person on this damn site …Thought it was FCUKD¬†UP but in mild terms. The author¬†replied “not thattt¬†messed up”… aight whatever. I moved on.

Until someone else commented “LOL”… then the author commented back… “girl ^^ there (referring to me)¬†you got a bad sense of humor“. Now that, was a direct shot at me… Oh I took it a little personal! Just a little, so Sue me! You know I wrote back and YOU KNOW I could careless how the person takes it! I got a sense of humor but I also got a fucking heart! That man is DEAD! Sure his crazy ass career landed him there, but again… the word DEAD!!! <–yeah, that aint nothing to play with!

I don’t¬†care if you sugar-coated¬†it with the words “J/Kin everybody loved him”. I don’t¬†think his fam, or¬†HIS WIDOW¬†would appreciate it¬†or find the shyt funny! I don’t¬†think the person that wrote that shyt¬†would like it if the tables were turned. If¬† he/she (not wishing nothing upon them) Got hit by a fucking¬†car and some idiot posted the video of it on YouTube with the statement…

“I think we all can agree¬†he/she asked for it by not crossing at the cross walkJ/king… He/she was cute thou”.

SMH… people don’t think… and I left that as my comment pretty much.”The shyt aint humor, and anyone with fucking common sense would know that. Too bad common sense aint that fucking Common, huh?

-SMGDH Do you think I was Wrong? Dont really matter thou… CUZ I DONT THINK SO!!!!

-Kayotic Konfessions

My Life “Drama Series” Pt. 2

"Yung, Dumb and STUPID"

My life had changed drastically in a matter of minutes. I made a decision, I still seldomly find myself REGRETTING to this day. <—YES I SAID IT!!! You want real Konfessions… YOU GOT IT!!

I decided to keep the baby and just deal with whatever came my way. I was young, dumb and LOST; better yet STUPID! I was one of the teens you’ve all watched before on Maury that believed a child could keep a man. I learned the hard way… it can not! ¬†A lesson I am grateful for nonetheless. I told the child’s father right away. We will refer to him as “Nomad”; a wanderer with no remorse. When I let the words escape me that i was pregnant, he was stunned. He really didn’t know what to say but he believed me, which was a huge relief. I’ve never been a liar but I heard stories of men saying the child was not theirs so I was a little uneasy. It turned out being a breeze, he eventually became okay with the idea and said we’d work it out. (Kool, I thought….at least a that moment.)

It was telling my dad that was the kicker. Over that week, I managed to duck and dodge my dad even thou we resided under the same roof. I had convinced myself that I needed to figure out a game plan before i could approach him. I would never be able to face him with no plan, for my confidence was in shambles and my spirits were at a record-breaking low. At school one day I had confided in a girl I considered my friend. I told her my problems and she gave me a solution; I could live with her. The pressure immediately lifted, leaving me with nothing else to do but tell my dad. I told him we needed to talk and I sat him down. I remember saying it all within one big breath…. “I’m pregnant, but don’t worry I found a place to stay and I’ll be out of your house by this weekend.” Unlike “Nomad” who was stunned but still managed to find the words… My dad was silent. Here I was in front of a person that loves to talk but was graveyard silent; I was scared. He was upset that I was pregnant but hurt by the fact I was moving out. I didn’t get it, it’s what he always said, this is what he always claimed he wantedWHAT THE HELL??

"Lost in a Fairy Tale"

**Anyway…speeding the story up till I say about 4 mos later: I was happy again…had everything I ever wanted. = A FAMILY!! I was his quote on quote “Fat momma” and I was living the dream. The only problem with dreams is…you eventually wake up!

I would have to say when I reached my 4th mos marker, that was around the time I truly hated my entire pregnancy. Pregnancy was supposed to be this great highlight etc. but it was HELL!!! I finally was over my morning sickness stage, which was the pits. I remember the day everything changed from ok to hella bad. It was the day we went to go see the sex of the baby… We both really really really (did I say REALLY??!!) wanted a boy. What we got was a GIRL! I was upset for about 2 secs… then all smiles, “It’s a girl”. I think I called everyone heading home, while he still sat in his own sorrow. He said he was okay with the baby being a girl, but I could tell he was lying. He tried to convince me by buying some girly baby stuff so I ignored it. However, after that bit of disappointment in his books, he became sort of distant. Still here and there from time to time. Especially when night-time fell and we’d have sex. Slowly but surely he became even more distant, blaming it on work etc. It was cool thou, I was still wrapped in my fairy tale and besides my roommate didn’t like the fact he was always over. When her and her bf broke up she started complaining about his presence. I just figured she didn’t want to see anyone else happy if she wasn’t. I eventually started getting the feeling she didn’t like the fact I was pregnant either. She always wanted a baby and I was like this big reminder of everything she wanted and didn’t have. Nonetheless, I ignored her and figured I should be happy I was blessed! I would soon have a loving family and we’d be together forever.

“I look back on my stupidity now and I become SICK!!!…

I was so blind. I was so fucking stupid.

I was so high up that it doesn’t shock me one bit how hard I fell!”

-Kayotic Konfessions

OUTRAGED! No REALLY!!!

How bad can it be?!.

I stumbled on a blog, that I didn’t hesitate to comment on. It wasnt until I was almost done typing my thoughts did I realize I was OUTRAGED!!! Totally in one of those “GET THE FCUK OUTTA HERE” moods. The crap I had read was like a waste of my tax dollars for court. To give a man five years for SNOOPING thru something i saw as community property; a computer between him and his WIFE/EX… whatever!!! That’s got to be the craziest shit I ever heard. Maybe because im a female and I KNOW DAMN WELL… I, WE… FEMALES: SNOOP!

How the hell ¬†do you think we find out our spouses cant keep their dick to their selves… or for a lack of better words… keep¬†our community property.. (since what’s his is mines most nights…) to his self!! SMDH, what’s next, are they gonna start arresting people for snooping thru their significant other’s android phone when they break that finger drawing lock pattern…?

HERE IS THE ARTICLE::

“Leon Walker, a¬†Michigan man suspicious of his wife‚Äôs behavior, used his spouse‚Äôs password to access her email on what he said was a shared computer in the home because he was worried his wife‚Äôs lover was abusive toward her around the couple‚Äôs young children.

He is now facing five years in jail under a state statute that prohibits unlawful access to a computer system, program or network in order to acquire, alter, damage, delete, or destroy property (a law typically targeted at malicious hackers).

I am not pro snooping, but I do think that this is taking it a bit far‚Ķ¬†The defendant‚Äôs lawyer is expected to argue that because the computer is considered shared property, the law should not apply to domestic snooping, and therefore, not a case. I don‚Äôt think that this is right either as it was her PERSONAL email‚Ķ This is a tough one”

I really wanna know what y’all think… really? Have you ever snooped? Is it worth 5 years in prison? I could see if he beat her boyfriend ass,…right?

-Kayotic Konfessions

“Every memory isn’t GREAT”

I should be sleep, but I was laying in bed trying to map out how I was going to deliver my “Drama Series pt. 2” and something happened. It’s like my past had crept into my room in an attempt to hunt me. IT WORKED too!!! I don’t like bits and pieces of my past, they leave me disturbed. MILDLY FRIGHTEN!! As my mind played tricks on me… reminiscing on the bad and the worst… I remembered two days… two memories. Two very different feelings.

MEMORY 1::

One night, I was with someone. This person was very very close to me. Someone you would never think to do a thing like this. We had a disagreement or arguement. I don’t remember what it was about but his actions afterwards were to instil fear in me. His intentions weren’t to necessarily harm me, but to let me know… he could. Ever ride with someone close and not pay attention to where the hell your going? I do… I still do it. You think I would have learned. It was night-time, pretty late… and he drove to the middle of nowhere. I mean NOWHERE; just a dark forest on both sides, and hella road. He stop. By the time I started looking around, he had perched his lips to tell me get out. “Get out where?…there is nothing out there, you must be crazy”. I think I was about 16 or 17 when he put me out on the side of the road. Told me to wait there… he’d be back. I had no choice other to listen so I got out. You don’t know scared, until your young, lost and disconnected from the world. I had no phone and no sense of which direction to walk in. I could barely see my hands in front of me….let alone the road. I heard noises, animals and all the things that go bump in the night. I was terrified. If I moved, If I walked…he’d never find me. So I did the only thing I could do: Stand there. After, about 15 minutes… sure nuff, he came back…. and everything he wished to accomplish… HE DID!!! This was one of the many things that lead me to be a very submissive person. I hate it.

MEMORY 2::

“Don’t you trust me” ?? he says… <— A test I failed drastically.

There is a hotel in route to Waldorf called “The Cadillac“. If your from the DMV area… I’m pretty sure you’ve seen it. There’s no way you could miss it. I hate it, just looking at it resurrects my fear. Sometimes i unknowingly clinch up when I’m driven pass it. ¬†I recently shared that I lost my virginity late in “Drama Series Pt 1“. It was my choice, I wasn’t into the hype of fucking just cause. I was told by someone I trusted that I should just pick a nobody and get it over with. Spare myself of the extra feelings and the BS of a Virginity taker. I was hearing them, but not hearing. My ears were playing that go in one and out of the other effect. So as quickly as the topic was discussed, that’s about how fast I forgot. A couple of days went by and this person brings it up again. This time we were riding out towards Waldorf to the mall, so I’m told. He then pulls into the parking lot, of this broke down motel “The Cadillac”(don’t be fooled by the picture…its the pits, advertising makes everything look glorious). Anyways, He’s talking and I’m looking like a deer caught in headlights…”what the hell?”. He turns to me and says… “I want you to do something”. OH GOD NO!!!!… I’m panicking, once again… terrified. smh. He then goes into explaining, there is someone in the room we just happened to be parked in front of….this someone is willing to take my virginity and waiting. WHAT THE HELL!!!!! Told me to go… if I trust him, I’ll go. I refused, I almost cried. He became angry… “Don’t you trust me” he says. I replied yes, and got out the car. I got almost to the door, to where the knob was in my arms reach. I froze. I couldn’t do it!! My heart was in my socks, tears were building in my eyes and all I wanted was to get back in the car! He laughed and told me get in the car. He laughed all the way to the mall. To say… “No one was in there… I just wanted to see how much you trusted me”. YOU FAILED!!! Fcuk’d up right?? For someone to emotionally pull your strings like a puppet. Someone so-called “Closed to you”. Even thou he laughed, he remained salty for months… for he was mad… that i didn’t just trust him. smh. To this day, now… I still imagine someone there. Someone waiting.

Memories can be a lovely thing…. when they aren’t the ones that haunt you!!!

-Kayotic Konfessions

My LIFE’s “DRAMA SERIES”…. Pt.1

Where do I start… the beginning they say… but where is that?

Have you ever had a saying or phrase branded within your brain by your parents? I mean truly drilled into your everyday existance. My phrase was “If you ever get pregnant, you better find somewhere else to live because you can’t stay here”. I used to just brush him off because when he first started saying it, I was still a virgin. I didn’t lose my virginity until two weeks before I turned 18. To some loser named ….NVM, that’s a another story. Anyways, my stepfather used to constantly let these words fall so loosely out of his mouth. Never occurred to me he didn’t really mean it, that it just sounded nice within his head.

"Its Positive"...."but I can't be pregnant"

I’d say about two weeks, maybe a month before my whole world crumbled… I had just broken up with boyfriend. I can’t recall exactly how I felt about it. I just remember finding out he was cheating on me, while using the phone I was paying for. He had to go. I wanna say my heart might have been in pain, but I can’t call it. I just remember meeting a “NEW NEW” and smiling endlessly… UNTIL… I got really sick and all I wanted to do was sleep. (signs that hell was approaching).

I called one of my friends, and she brought over a test she had been saving in the woodwork’s for herself. I swear that 2 min or whatever it takes for those lines to appear felt like years. The anticipation was KILLING ME!!! All I kept thinking was “I DONT WANT NO DAMN KIDS!!!!” I waited and sure nuff…. it said “PREGNANT”. I wanted to CRYYYYYY!!! Kept telling my best friend it wasn’t right, and I wasn’t pregnant! I had tripped and fallen right into denial. This was my thought process, until I took another test the next Morning = POSITIVE! What the HELL? WHY?… this can not be freaking happening to me!!!!!

I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I hated my parents for their abandonment and neglect towards me ….so to even think I’d make a good parent was far-fetched. I was terrified, I didn’t want to be like them. I was 19 for god sake, I work at blockbuster and I’m still in college. The child’s father is a cheater… he doesn’t LOVE ME!! smh. What the hell was I to do? To top it off that parental phrase kept replaying in my head…. “IF YOU BECOME PREGNANT….YOU CANT LIVE HERE”…

What was I to do….?

Where was I going to go?

What will he say when I tell him? Should I get rid of the baby?

-Kayotic Konfessions

“Just a Friend”

“Take me off the bench, Put me in the game Coach… I’ve already Loved you from your head to your ankles”….

Being the friend is almost like waiting on the bench until the love of your life decides if he or she doesn’t need a top 5 starting line anymore. Hopefully one day soon they’ll realize they’d like to downgrade to JUST ONE! It can be a long process and even a tad bit nerve wrecking. Who wouldn’t want a little confirmation, esp if your placing all of your eggs in this person‘s Easter basket? I’d want to know that they weren’t going to walk off with all of me too.

At times, It’s not even the position that bothers you if your 100 % sure you’re making the right choice. Sometimes it’s the things that take place while playing this position. For example, the way they introduce you to others of some sort of significance, ex’s or even complete nobodies. It’s like they forget your there for a sec, and then they look you up and down ….to say “oh this is…(wait for it…pause) just my friend Kayotic”. Well don’t let me intrude or stop this bullshit ass conversation…I’ll take a hint and just stand over here. Something about how that all came out stings… STINGS to the point your now rethinking this “JUST A FRIEND” crap. While you’re thinking, you tend to become even more frustrated at a question now punching your gut. “Can I even be upset or show emotions, do i have the right… for I’m only a friend?’. (FRUSTRATING)

Other times, it aint even about how the person is treating you. It’s about the uncertainty of you being “JUST A FRIEND” for so long. While this person is looking at you like a layaway project, it never fails that you’ll run into people who are looking to buy your love right now. Should I stay invested in this person that’s using me as a bench warmer or get to know someone who has every intention of putting me in the game? Should I, hmm should I?…

Would you?

 

"don't do it...U like Marge" "Marge who homer?...Do it!!!"

Ever been out partying and meet someone you sort of want to approach, but your conscious decides to add its two cents. You know what I mean; when you start weighing the odds! One one hand– you have your feelings and maybe even your body invested in your POI-Point of Interest, so are you allowed to mingle? Like would that be a bad idea?… On the other hand– your mind goes to the fact your¬†technically your are SINGLE and on the bench. (Confusing, HUH?)

 

 

"Ma, how long have you been on this bench".... "seems like forever suga"

 

“JUST A FRIEND”… is a position many people wont progress from. When you put in a JOB application, the MANAGER always says…”We’ll were still looking to fill this position, but if you don’t hear a definite “you’re hire” back after two weeks, we’ll keep your file for 60 days.” At least there up front….Shouldn’t there be a time limit on this dreadful position too, so people won’t waste their lives WAITING…

.Just a Thought,

-Kayotic Konfessions

 

Pet Peeve: “Oh I Understand”

If you want to get under my skin in 1.5 secs… tell me how much you understand my pain!

“I can’t stand it… OHHHH I can’t stand it!”

To have a moment, when your eyes are watering, your chest is heavy and your heart just grew feet and walked. To be unsure of which way is right and which way is left. All you know is everything aches but you havent even been hit, or fallen down. Your mind is stuck on replay about SOMETHING and the image or the words that just shook you… WONT STOP.

You're pushing my Button!!!

 

*Then enters… “THE IDIOT”…*

The Idiot:: “Its okay, don’t worry about it babes. We’ve all been there and I UNDERSTAND and can feel what you’re going thru”

REPLAY…That last statement:

“I UNDERSTAND and can feel what you’re going thru, I UNDERSTAND and can feel what you’re going thru”

 

 

I think at that very moment, all sanity is lost!!! 

“You understand what exactly? You feel this pain in my chest… really? You’ve struggled before…enlighten me? So crying and clinching the floor is normal..you’ve done this.. when?” If you have NEVER been in that position or walked in that person’s shoes… Please don’t say that!! If you have never been thru anything in your pathetic little life, those are not the words that should escape from your mouth. They are not comforting or reassuring. They are just a sure way to piss the person that is hurting off. They don’t want to hear it, and if you’ve really been there… YOU’D KNOW THIS!!! You would know of better ways to get thru to this person! If you don’t have the right words to caress the hurt.. JUST LEND YOUR SHOULDER…go grab some tissues…LEAVE EM BE…. something!!

JUST DONT SAY “YOU UNDERSTAND”… If you really do not have a CLUE!

For that action right there… is just a sure way of getting all the frustration, anger and hurt that’s residing within that person’s chest, thrown straight at you!!!

-Kayotic Konfessions

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