“Did it work? Am I dead?”….

So there i was four months and happy… so I thought! My bday came and everyone that mattered was there including “Nomad”. We took pictures, had a blast and like always I was left paying the tab; at least for him. However, instead of him spending the rest of the day with me… (My bday and our anniversary mind you)… he gave me some BS excuse and said he’d see me later. Once again, blowing me off and being distant. My sis took me out thou, so I wouldn’t be sitting around with my face LONG and my emotions running wild. If you don’t know, being pregnant and trying to control your emotions ….isn’t easy!

 

The end to a good day came and still no “Nomad”, just more bullshit excuses. Said, he couldn’t get a ride and he was in the house playing cards with a cousin. I felt better knowing that so we said our good nights and mumbled our “I LOVE YOU’s”. It was the next day; Feb 25, 2007, that my fairy tale became a blur. Leave it to Facebook to show me that the love of my life had lied. He was not playing cards…. he was at home playing thou. At home, enjoying a party with the one that soon became his mistress. A party he swore two or three days before hand HE WAS NOT GOING TO HAVE. He flat-out lied to me. 😦 We fought about it… I was crushed and …PREGNANT!!! smgdh. We continued to work things out etc… all the way up until MAY. ( I know, the agony of staying together until May. “I did say I was YUNG ANS DUMB right??!” …Okay… don’t judge me.)

 

"Nomad no longer was mines"...he had wandered

However, In May that same girl became more visible on Facebook. She was every where, haunting me. Especially since… we looked so much alike. I then found myself knowing everything about her; we were so similar It was down right scary. She was everywhere I used to be, and still should had been. I eventually, couldn’t take it no more and asked him to be straight up. To be honest with me about her. “Where they together?” “No” he said. “Did he like her?” “Yes”, he answer. “Were they Fucking?”….there was NO REPLY! He then asked me if I really wanted to know the answer to that question. (with that statement I already knew)   YES…he replied.

 

That was it. All it took was that three-letter word. There I was crushed to no end. I ranting and raved about it, but it fell upon deaf ears. He didn’t care how I felt. Just simply gave me an empty “Sorry”. Words that couldn’t caress, couldnt ease or fix my pain. I’m Pregnant and this home-wrecker that reminded me so much of the old me, the un-pregnant me….had just stolen my dream. {TRUE KONFESSION:: It left me to even do the one thing, that I have yet to ever do since…}

I called one night… and I BEG! (I  know, me?..begging…crazy right??!!) I was truly the definition of desperate. I really thought a man was my world, all I had. I look back now and I become disgusted with myself. No man should ever get the pleasure of seeing or making a woman like this. But there I was on the floor (literally, the kitchen floor to be exact) as he gut punched and kicked me thru the phone. I WASN’T WHAT HE WANTED!! I NEEDED TO LEAVE HIM ALONE.HE HAD MOVED ON.  I laid there for what felt like hours; crying. Holding my stomach for the pain was everywhere. I just wanted it to stop. I needed it to stop. I knew everything I felt, the baby felt. I hated hurting the baby. I even hated the baby for coming, for leading me right back to the person i had initially left. I became angry and furious. I WANTED IT TO BE GONE! I WANTED LIFE ITSELF TO BE OVER. I FELT LIKE I WAS UNWORTHY….LIKE I WAS NOTHING.

I went to the bathroom….contemplating. Just to say “FCUK IT” and there is where I took an entire bottle of PAIN KILLERS.

Did it work? Am I dead?”….

-Kayotic Konfessions

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