I should be sleep, but I was laying in bed trying to map out how I was going to deliver my “Drama Series pt. 2” and something happened. It’s like my past had crept into my room in an attempt to hunt me. IT WORKED too!!! I don’t like bits and pieces of my past, they leave me disturbed. MILDLY FRIGHTEN!! As my mind played tricks on me… reminiscing on the bad and the worst… I remembered two days… two memories. Two very different feelings.

MEMORY 1::

One night, I was with someone. This person was very very close to me. Someone you would never think to do a thing like this. We had a disagreement or arguement. I don’t remember what it was about but his actions afterwards were to instil fear in me. His intentions weren’t to necessarily harm me, but to let me know… he could. Ever ride with someone close and not pay attention to where the hell your going? I do… I still do it. You think I would have learned. It was night-time, pretty late… and he drove to the middle of nowhere. I mean NOWHERE; just a dark forest on both sides, and hella road. He stop. By the time I started looking around, he had perched his lips to tell me get out. “Get out where?…there is nothing out there, you must be crazy”. I think I was about 16 or 17 when he put me out on the side of the road. Told me to wait there… he’d be back. I had no choice other to listen so I got out. You don’t know scared, until your young, lost and disconnected from the world. I had no phone and no sense of which direction to walk in. I could barely see my hands in front of me….let alone the road. I heard noises, animals and all the things that go bump in the night. I was terrified. If I moved, If I walked…he’d never find me. So I did the only thing I could do: Stand there. After, about 15 minutes… sure nuff, he came back…. and everything he wished to accomplish… HE DID!!! This was one of the many things that lead me to be a very submissive person. I hate it.

MEMORY 2::

“Don’t you trust me” ?? he says… <— A test I failed drastically.

There is a hotel in route to Waldorf called “The Cadillac“. If your from the DMV area… I’m pretty sure you’ve seen it. There’s no way you could miss it. I hate it, just looking at it resurrects my fear. Sometimes i unknowingly clinch up when I’m driven pass it.  I recently shared that I lost my virginity late in “Drama Series Pt 1“. It was my choice, I wasn’t into the hype of fucking just cause. I was told by someone I trusted that I should just pick a nobody and get it over with. Spare myself of the extra feelings and the BS of a Virginity taker. I was hearing them, but not hearing. My ears were playing that go in one and out of the other effect. So as quickly as the topic was discussed, that’s about how fast I forgot. A couple of days went by and this person brings it up again. This time we were riding out towards Waldorf to the mall, so I’m told. He then pulls into the parking lot, of this broke down motel “The Cadillac”(don’t be fooled by the picture…its the pits, advertising makes everything look glorious). Anyways, He’s talking and I’m looking like a deer caught in headlights…”what the hell?”. He turns to me and says… “I want you to do something”. OH GOD NO!!!!… I’m panicking, once again… terrified. smh. He then goes into explaining, there is someone in the room we just happened to be parked in front of….this someone is willing to take my virginity and waiting. WHAT THE HELL!!!!! Told me to go… if I trust him, I’ll go. I refused, I almost cried. He became angry… “Don’t you trust me” he says. I replied yes, and got out the car. I got almost to the door, to where the knob was in my arms reach. I froze. I couldn’t do it!! My heart was in my socks, tears were building in my eyes and all I wanted was to get back in the car! He laughed and told me get in the car. He laughed all the way to the mall. To say… “No one was in there… I just wanted to see how much you trusted me”. YOU FAILED!!! Fcuk’d up right?? For someone to emotionally pull your strings like a puppet. Someone so-called “Closed to you”. Even thou he laughed, he remained salty for months… for he was mad… that i didn’t just trust him. smh. To this day, now… I still imagine someone there. Someone waiting.

Memories can be a lovely thing…. when they aren’t the ones that haunt you!!!

-Kayotic Konfessions

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