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Kayotic Konfessions

Itz so much easier to be a Mess…

Month

May 2011

After the fact… Mommie HELP!!!!

Gotta Boo Boo :(I found out today that my daughter will not be a doctor when she grows up (tragic huh?!!). She walked up to me with a small piece of glass she found on the bedroom floor. It was a fraction of the light bulb I had dropped the night before. She hands it to me laughing, “Mommy, I think you forgot a piece” (smart butt). It never dawned on her that she could cut her little finger. She never even let the thought cross her mind. It wasn’t till she sat down, and began to draw with a yellow crayon that all I heard was “red keeps showing up in my picture…ugh, mommy!!!”. I waited and watched her until she finally looked at her finger and instantly, ALL HELL BROKE LOSE!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! It hurts… whine, whine,….blah blah!!!

 It took everything in me not to laugh. I went into mommy mode to soothe her and I tried to double check the cut for any extra glass, but before I could get close, all these sound effects came from nowhere LOL, Ahh, Oww, Mommy no it hurts. I couldn’t help but shake my head. She literally continued to cry for ten minutes because she could still see the small… I mean extra tiny cut bleeding. I had her hold a paper towel around it. However, It eventually got to the point I was ready to scream and I wasn’t even hurt. I suddenly remembered I had an emergency band-aid stashed in my purse and grabbed it. I put it on her little finger and INSTANTLY she shut up, I mean complete SILENCE (and YES, it was golden haha). Whoohooo, two thumbs up for the magic band-aid.

After this episode I don’t think she’ll be saving lives anytime soon. I am kinda glad she aint pass out at the sight of the blood though….I probably would have had a heart attack. ( LOL = I would have been NO HELP AT ALL!!!!)

-Kayotic Konfessions

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Turn my whisper up to loud….

Today I went to go see “Something Borrowed”… I really enjoyed the movie. It’s movies like this, that make me rethink my life while leaving the theater. No, I did not cheat with my best friends fiance haha, but there are times when I allow my niceness and my passive ways to leave me unhappy or unsatisfied with my life choices. I should have spoken up or possibly had a little back bone. I’ve never been sure how to approach this downfall of mines but after seeing this movie I know I want to start. There are a few things that are in play right within my life right now that I need to have backbone about but I truly believe that I am afraid. I am afraid of losing, the outcome, the change and what will follow (maybe regret). I see myself speaking up and I see the image playing out in my head….. Let’s face it folks the end result (of this dream) scares the hell out of me. However, the person I am becoming consciously in the process is also unacceptable.

I think I am ready to change though. At least I really and truly want to be ready. I don’t want to waste my life being scared to go for and find what I want because I can’t turn my voice up above thoughts and a whisper. I don’t want to settle for things that aren’t up to parr because all I could manage to get out were passive phrases or things like “No, that cool”. How do I say what I want and mean what I say? When is the right time to start? Now huh??!!

I know I want to  change… I guess I will do it some day soon.

-Kayotic Konfession

(LETS PLAY) Finish the Line….

Today was awesome.. at least the portion I spent on Facebook. I started a note today and I called it a venting session, where my friends could make quotes, short poem verses… even piggy back off of what another person said long as you put @_______  with the person’s name. I wanted to see the results my readers might have or want to get off their chest on WordPress. No judgement here (your safe)…and I’ll promise I’ll rebuttal with my poetry. 🙂 LETS GO… Below you’ll find the beginning phrases to choose from…

Pardon me while I get this off my chest…..

It Pisses me off that…..

Let me clear the air by saying…..

 

Cant wait to see what you guys come up with, I’ll be waiting…(don’t be afraid to be the first… there’s no wrong response)

-Kayotic Konfessions

Do me a Favor and Pocket your Pride…..(Venting)

Hot Off the Press... READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!!

Ya know… I’ve had it, I truly have. There is no nice way to put it. My niceness, my sympathy, my humbleness… and any other synonym you can think of… has run out. I no longer carry the stuff that rainbows are made of in my hear, for this situation in its entirety is driving me insane. WHY ARE YOU WASTING OUR TIME WITH YOUR PRESENCE???!!!

Okay, so you helped me make a baby and your infatuated with the thought of participating in the act. Being able to “say” you’re a father brings you some sort of sick joy. You love posting her pics and saying nice things so that the random joints can applaud. Kool beans, I am not even made, instead I am truly thrilled that brings you so much joy. However Id be more thrilled if you could see the important pieces… the opposite of the propaganda. You know, the struggle,  time, the disciplining, the headaches, not being able to put anything you want before the child and how there are weeks at a time to where you have no time for self (oh wait, YOU WOULDNT KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT THAT NOW WOULD YOU!!!), I almost forgot.

Where is that carefree nonchalant attitude I always get when she comes up, huh?? Where is that I don’t care attitude at now?? Why can’t you be invisible and silent like you are the majority of the time?? Can we hear some of those broken promises again… Ya say you’re gonna do what??? I couldn’t hear you!!!!  Can you tell the real you to come back while we are going through this court shit, Not that bullshit as representer that all of a sudden :: WANTS TO BE A FATHER. Do me a favor and subtract ya pride from the situation and lets dig deep for a moment…. YOU READY??… HERE GOES::

YOU ARE NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER AROUND!!!!

YOU NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER HELP!!!

YOU NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER GET HER!!!

 YOU HAVE NEVERRRRRRRRR BEEN INVOLVED IN PRACTICALLY ANYTHING DEALING WITH HER BUT 1 BDAY & A BAPTISM!!!!! 

SHE BARELY KNOWS YOU EXIST!!!

YOU DONT WANT THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF TAKING CARE OF A CHILD…. so DONT BS the COURTS or US!!! You can still possess your eye candy time for FB and Twitter whenever (YOU) come get her, Id never deny her to you {{BUT}} You don’t need custody, IF YOU DID YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN AROUND and I GUARANTEE when court is over…. YA STILL WONT BE CONSISTENT!!!!

GROW UP and SEE THE TRUTH!!!!

-Kayotice Konfessions

Love’s Perspective

There are days like today when everything falls into place and I know just how much I am loved. I sat at the table today at my surprise graduation dinner with my old love and my new soul mate. Yet, from both sides of the spectrum I felt endless love. I didn’t have to question their loyalty, their heart or where I fit in ….within the mix.

My old love, despite us no longer having chemistry or the urge to lust for more… there is  still a special place in his heart for me. His dad just came home from the hospital this morning, and we JUST spoke about how badly it hurt him;  yet… when I walked through the Cheesecake Factory’s doors to lay my eyes on my surprise dinner there he was with his older sister smiling at me. {LOVE}.

I sit down in awe at all the people at the table to honor my recent success to turn and see MY SOUL MATE :-). My baby was there as well and I truly couldn’t believe it. It’s almost 5pm on a SUNDAY and there he was, butt plastered to the chair. It was almost surreal because we have an understanding that SUNDAYS are off-limits in our relationship. Sundays consists of him doing watever he pleases without my girly interruptions. Whether it is playing basketball with the fellas at the gym or just playing cards and spending QT with his fam. I never ask for his presence on Sundays and I try my hardest to never expect it. So you can just imagine how much my mouth was dragging the lovely tile floor of the restaurant when I focused my hazel eyes upon him. I couldn’t believe it!!!! {LOVE}!!!!!!

 Moments like these, I KNOW… who Loves me!

(Not to take away from all the other lovely family members and friends that made it, and MADE MY DAY with their presence….I love them to no end as well…. it is that these two just stood out a bit, because I KNOW THEM.)

-Kayotic Konfessions

Building without the child….

 

Package Deal Not Allowed

Relationships are tough when you are a single parent. There are so many things you don’t want your child to bear witness too, like bad relationships and people constantly coming and going. As a parent you have to decide who’s worthy of meeting your child and when. Yet, even that becomes a problem after a while. You don’t want to hide the fact you have a child, but you don’t want to be overlooked because you do. A lot of men aren’t even up for the challenge nowadays. These artificial model’s of men don’t want to be looked at as a step in daddy. They aren’t willing to build their life around responsibilities and obligations. However, they never even think that some women… don’t NEED a step in daddy anyway…just a companion to be around!

What puzzles me is there is no procedure to follow when you actually get in a good relationship with someone worthy; it doesn’t exist and more variables get thrown in the mix. When is the timing right to bring this person around? Months or years later. How long is too long and how do you do it without pressuring the outside individual? As a parent constantly trying to find a sitter all the time, instead of just spending the quality time together with the child is nerve wrecking and disappointing. You always find yourself missing events because as a parent you tend to find yourself “ON DUTY”. It leaves you to believe  the other person isn’t sympathetic to how this might make you feel. It is totally unfair.

Now, say you have completely fallen for an individual. It is real, the love is there and this person is a totally good catch. Yet, they aren’t ready for what you seek and your child….(the reason to your entire existence), is never in the picture? As a parent are you doing the right thing by building a relationship around them, without them? Is it wrong to feel like you are choosing someone else over your child, when your intentions in the beginning were to protect them? When time flies and years pass… and your child is still on the back-burner… will you be able to let go? Why does it have to come down to an actual decision, of I’ll have to eventually choose. SMH

-Kayotic Konfessions

Single Mother (poetry)

Uncondictional Love
Uncondictional Love

Never wanted to do it alone,

Raise a child on my own,

One sided without assistance,

Always believed two parents were needed

For a child to go the distance

Fought to keep that dream alive,

Battled my own insecurities inside

Took a long time to realize

I would only fail if I didn’t try,

So I took a new approach

I needed to change how I felt,

For the sake of my child’s happiness

It was time to do it by myself

Had to let go of hopeful wishing,

Had to make some harsh decisions,

No longer waiting on another’s efforts,

Had to stop lingering for the better

Assuming one day the other party would get it,

Stressing because that person don’t listen,

Taking away from all I could give

Had to grow up, and let go

So that we could comfortably live

No more bread crumbs,

And dropping hints,

No more directions to follow and pointless fits

No more tears shed because of events missed

Because when I only focus on us,

It is just pure happiness

I know what I can do,

It is now clear to me,

No longer do I look for support

To come to me,

I have everything inside that my child will ever need,

No end to how far I’ll go,

For I am willing to take the lead

Never wanted to be a parent,

I seen the responsibilities coming,

It is a shame that both parents

Couldn’t hit the ground running,

But I am happy with my decision,

Wouldn’t change anything,

Couldn’t imagine my life now,

Without my bundle of joy breathing

I’ve also learned not to blame,

Not to even whisper ones name,

No need to bad mouth the other,

I am grateful we were lovers,

For I got the greatest gift,

And it is all Mines,

I have the biggest role,

And that is just fine,

For the love I have is stronger than any other,

So when it all is said and done…

I am a PROUD single mother!

-Kayotic Konfessions

I got AWAY…

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Ever get a small taste of a good thing and it is so desirable, so intellectually divine that you want…” I mean, have to have or you’ll die”MORE!! Well recently I was able to indulge in such a feeling. I went on a small vacation as a reward to myself for excelling in school and a friend’s birthday. I got a lot more than I paid for. It was a beautiful experience to FLY AWAY to another city (Atlanta, GA). I got to meet people from different parts of the world (lovely people), from JamaicaCanada, and Chicago. It was a totally different atmosphere from the ghetto, self-centered and negative surroundings that I am used to. I am used to the rude, one tracked minded individuals that overwhelm the DC area with their neglect for anything of real substance. So it was extremely nice and truly needed to take in something different; even inspiring.

     It made me realize that I can not stay here, bounded to what I thought was okay living. There is so much more to see. So many new ways to see the world. I want to make it a goal of mines to visit a new place every year. To get out of my routine of eating the same thing at every restaurant and try NEW things. Getting away helped me discover the me I am settling for today and the me I want to be for the future….

I have a lot to do… and limited time. You only get one life and I now see that… I am living the bare minimum of it…

Time for a Change,—>>> Let’s get AWAY!!!

-Kayotic Konfessions

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