Not even sure how to express this verbally. It’s something I’ve been holding onto for so long. Something I buried; tried to forget. I may remember from time to time but I never have moments like this. I almost didn’t type “Me Too” as my status today on Facebook. I don’t need validation of what happened, I don’t need the world to know my story… hell, if I could, I’d erase all of my memories of it; for none of them are GOOD memories.
At times, I feel that it is a hindrance in my life and my relationships. Possibly part of the reason I won’t ask anyone for anything, some days I don’t want to be touched, two pillows stacked freaks me out and the fact that I have to feel (safe) with my partner or it won’t work.
Being as though I try not to let the past control me, I thought I was passed it. I don’t sulked, I’m not bitter and no one has a clue unless I volunteer the information; which I never do. Yet today… today…. I sat at my desk scrolling Facebook. Seeing all of the “me too” statuses. The numerous women and girls who have been violated; as well as the comments from the men (friends and associates, that never knew these things about me become outraged) and I couldn’t help it. The first time in YEARS and I had tears forming in my eyes. I probably could have CRIED….I mean, THE WHOLE HEART EMPTYING UGLY CRY, but I won’t let myself.
As various moments flooded my head. You would have thought I was back in that house with that man. My heart was racing, hands slightly shaking. I remember feeling so trapped, so hopeless. My protector, my step-father was my abuser and I had nowhere to go. No one to tell. He was ALL I had since my mom left and my real father could barely raise himself. I remember thinking if I told, who would raise us; my siblings and I. I often wonder if we would have been better off being raised by someone else or in a foster home had I stepped up and told SOMEONE. He was crazy though and I was young and scared. I was alone.
I dreaded going home all the time. If I refused, or acted as if I was unknowledgeable about his intentions, I would just pay for it later. I would be punished, or his attitude and the atmosphere would be just so much in the house that I had no choice. He was vindictive, spiteful and always playing some psychological game. He would also dangle things I needed for school, money and gifts. Being subjected to his abuse was always rewarded; but to everyone that came around… I was just his favorite and I couldn’t do anything wrong. To me… I was a stand-in wife to replace my mom.
Reminiscing on such a horrible thing SUCKS!!!!! But, you know what really really sucks…. being 30, sitting at your desk way further in life than you ever could have imagined and remembering the moment you thought someone would save you. The moment you dreamed of everyday for years. It all unfolded, It all came out, EVERYONE found out about the monster that held you captive every day and every night…. and even with him getting caught in the act not one person BELIEVED YOU!
Now that moment… is still something to cry about…