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Kayotic Konfessions

Itz so much easier to be a Mess…

Me Too…

Not even sure how to express this verbally. It’s something I’ve been holding onto for so long. Something I buried; tried to forget. I may remember from time to time but I never have moments like this. I almost didn’t type “Me Too” as my status today on Facebook. I don’t need validation of what happened, I don’t need the world to know my story… hell, if I could, I’d erase all of my memories of it; for none of them are GOOD memories.

At times, I feel that it is a hindrance in my life and my relationships. Possibly part of the reason I won’t ask anyone for anything, some days I don’t want to be touched, two pillows stacked freaks me out and the fact that I have to feel (safe) with my partner or it won’t work.

Being as though I try not to let the past control me, I thought I was passed it. I don’t sulked, I’m not bitter and no one has a clue unless I volunteer the information; which I never do. Yet today… today…. I sat at my desk scrolling Facebook. Seeing all of the “me too” statuses. The numerous women and girls who have been violated; as well as the comments from the men (friends and associates, that never knew these things about me become outraged) and I couldn’t help it. The first time in YEARS and I had tears forming in my eyes. I probably could have CRIED….I mean, THE WHOLE HEART EMPTYING UGLY CRY, but I won’t let myself.

As various moments flooded my head. You would have thought I was back in that house with that man. My heart was racing, hands slightly shaking. I remember feeling so trapped, so hopeless. My protector, my step-father was my abuser and I had nowhere to go. No one to tell. He was ALL I had since my mom left and my real father could barely raise himself. I remember thinking if I told, who would raise us; my siblings and I. I often wonder if we would have been better off being raised by someone else or in a foster home had I stepped up and told SOMEONE. He was crazy though and I was young and scared. I was alone.

I dreaded going home all the time. If I refused, or acted as if I was unknowledgeable about his intentions, I would just pay for it later. I would be punished, or his attitude and the atmosphere would be just so much in the house that I had no choice. He was vindictive, spiteful and always playing some psychological game.  He would also dangle things I needed for school, money and gifts. Being subjected to his abuse was always rewarded; but to everyone that came around… I was just his favorite and I couldn’t do anything wrong. To me… I was a stand-in wife to replace my mom.

Reminiscing on such a horrible thing SUCKS!!!!! But, you know what really really sucks…. being 30, sitting at your desk way further in life than you ever could have imagined and remembering the moment you thought someone would save you. The moment you dreamed of everyday for years. It all unfolded, It all came out, EVERYONE found out about the monster that held you captive every day and every night…. and even with him getting caught in the act not one person BELIEVED YOU!

Now that moment… is still something to cry about…

 

 

 

 

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Never Gonna Get it

So, today was the first time I checked on my child support case in probably forever. I can’t even tell you where the darn atm card is for the case because “hey, there’s NEVER anything on there” lol. I am laughing and crying at the same time. Laughing because I know “I am NEVER GONNA GET IT”, but also crying because man could I use it.

I’m not talking about using it for myself; buying new shoes, purses and miscellaneous bs. None of that nonsense you tend to see people who actually get child support do #NoShade #IJS.

imagesJ2Q3721CMy daughter’s birthday is this weekend and it would be nice if that owed money could be used for her. Not to mention, she out grows EVERYTHING within a 3-month span. I’m 5’10 and her biological father is 6’7 so it’s expected. However, it can be very hard to sustain her needs/wardrobe at times.

Any who, so I checked this account and man did my eyes and mind just wonder. Just the possibilities of paying ish on time, receiving help with her aikido, dance and the million other activities I pay for to keep her active and out of any trouble. Can we insert that emoji with the sigh and the smoke coming out of his month. Sadly the account doesn’t display no small change; I’m talking over 28K in the rears.

Now, this figure is draw dropping I imagine and it seems a little ridiculous to most (unless you have a child). So here is a short breakdown to help those that do not have any children. On average ii costs about 245K to raise a child from birth to 18 years of age.  My princess is 8, soon to be 9 this weekend. Using the USDA calculator, thus far I’ve spent about $102,168 raising her alone for 9 years come Saturday (I almost choked when that figure popped up, but yeah).

Now, comparing what I have provided versus what he owes, you see that the absent parent is not being held accountable for the difference of $74,168.00.

Ready for the big boom…

I don’t know what’s worse… knowing he’ll never understand how much I’ve provided, knowing he’s not even being held accountable for half; or the even funnier reality of it all –

“I am NEVER GOING TO GET A CENT” #HotMess

Best still falls Short

a21f5cb7b75163567feaaeece3073c4fAs a parent, it’s really hard to admit you are drowning. You tend to make every move you can to provide, to stay afloat; even if your entire head is beneath water except your nose.

I know, I am making do and my kids see very little of the struggle (due to every effort I make to conceal it) but lawddddd it get’s a little rough. What are you suppose to do when you best still falls short? When you are juggling bills, doing odd jobs outside of a fulltime job and still coming up short… how do you constantly find the silver lining?

I often find comfort in knowing my major bills are paid and that at the end of the day a roof over everyone’s head is a done deal. This soothes my soul. At least until other bill notifications come in, school trips, unexpected car needs, fridge on E, overdraft fees etc. start overflowing in your realm of peace.

The never-ending cycle just knocks you back to square one = BACK TO DROWNING.

No one sees it because you hide it but throughout your entire day you’re in survival mode; calculating the next move, the next priority and the plan to once again stay afloat.

It’s amazing at times that I make stuff work and that I still seem to manage to help others. People always say “it’ll come back to you”, but no one ever seems to mention “when”. When will your best not fall short? When will your best last longer than a day or two? When will I be able to stand in life as opposed to sinking in it?

(Photo credits: Google Search)

Something left out…

single-dad-advantages

 single-parent-datingToday, I overheard two people debating parenting today on Metro. Same debate we hear on a regular. The same debate that I normally try to stay out of. You know, the conversations regarding which parent should be responsible for raising a child. Too often we hear:

“A woman cannot raise a boy to be a man; there are things she is unable to teach him that a father could” or “A man cannot raise a little girl, for there are things only a mother can clue her in on”

Both to which I do believe are true but not impossible to do. Especially since there are some individuals that are not parent material from the jump. Individuals that could not contribute to the child even if they were the same-sex. Nevertheless, when I hear these debates I always find myself kind of raising an eyebrow. People always ignore the other scenario in parenting and raising a child alone. Like raising a child of the same-sex as the parent is any less difficult. Can someone please clue me in on that? You never hear that “a mother cannot raise a daughter or a father cannot raise a son alone”. Like that statement isn’t true as well (Again, everyone isn’t parent material).

Do you know of any people who could fit into that statement? (I do).
single_20parent_20072709

I do believe that in a single parent household, something will be missing (I’m not neglecting that truth… I wish everyone could have a two parent household but that isn’t reality). However, I do believe that depending on the parent, their persona, qualities and well wishes for the child will determine if the parent will pull that extra weight to make sure that it does not hinder the growth and/or well-being of the child.

I’m just saying…What do you think?

FYI… a lot of single parents (male and female) are KILLING it (and are doing an awesome job)!

#ABOUTLASTNIGHT ….. Been A While

#AboutLastNight

Been a While,

Since I smiled…

All night.

You know till your cheeks start to hurt,

as they form the curve, as the laughter pours

after every word.

It’s been a while,

since I gazed at a soul,

and wanted to know more,

wanted to adore,

the person deep within.

Been a while,

since just a hug made me flutter,

butterflies plus some other,

other emotions,

other senses,

when his hand touched my skin and my body started flinching.

It’s been a while,

since being held felt nice,

not a sexual type of right,

but just being secure in a pair of arms for the night.

Been a while,

since I’ve been kissed,Sunset-kiss-wedding-photo-600x600

off guard, mid-sentence …

with such elegance.

Sortof like a flick,

I would catch on the screen,

or a glimpse from a scene,

in one of my dreams.

#AboutLastNight

It’s been a while!

Blinded by the Vision & Love

truth

Want to put my feelings into words but it’s hard to say it,

convey it,

still every second of the day… I’m replaying it,

How I was hoping I’d be your favorite. (Once again).

Not rushing it, just steady, going pretty slow,

with the flow,

Letting go,

not being resilient, fighting the urge,

ignoring your actions, so captivated by words

the bigger picture was all I heard.

But then the words turned silent,

No I love you’s, I miss you,…. no future visions,

just bullshit responses to questions,

and you acting different…

Still trying but now observant,

no longer there without a clue,

watching every move,

noting every change

from what you did and didn’t do.

Still hopeful wishing,

but now with convictions, for no one is perfect,

but Maybe it’s me,

He couldn’t … he wouldn’t be,

he wouldn’t fuck us up after he said he wanted his family…

Damn I was wrong,

and to think he KNOWS me,

he knew I would flip,

he knew I’m not the type to okay that type of shyt,

he knew I would never come second,

to no other bitch…

No matter the circumstances,

If I’m “it”, what was the point,

why fucking ask me to try,

why sit in my face and Know I know,

and yet feed me another lie…

how could he think fucking me and someone else,

would EVER be alright?

I saw with my own two eyes,

I can’t erase the shyt,

I can’t even forget,

how in that second…. it all slipped away,

My vision that you feed me ran astray,

My respect for you as a man instantly began to fade…

My heart fell beside that open wrapper, I found that day.

(Lawddd…. I know this isn’t my best work but it’s as good as I could do… with expressing how I feel).

Don’t look at it….

"I want you to really mean.... I DO"
“I want you to really mean…. I DO”
Don’t look at it as the end,
I want you to see the beginning,
When this chapter becomes full bloom
I want you to know we’re winning,
To be comfortable in love,
To know that you are the only
That when the days get too hard and the room feels big
You’ll never be lonely,

Don’t look at it as a trap
Or a one way street,
I want you to feel like it’s a bridge
Where our love can meet
Where we can grow,
Build a home
And find warmth like no other,
Look at me as your woman,
Your partner,
Your lifetime lover

Don’t look at it as freedom lost,
For this is not a jail,
Look at me as that one phone call
When you mess up and need bail,
Look at me as the ride or die,
When all your friends happen to go missing,
Look at me as the star
You look up and confess to when you’re longing and wishing

Don’t look at it as a chore,
Something you don’t want to do,
Before we take this leap of love,
Look at if “I am right for you”

If you’d miss me if I left and I wasn’t around,
Am I the puzzle piece in the box,
You’re glad you’ve found,
Do you still want to love me genuinely,
When I get on your nerves
Compared to all the rest,
Am I what you deserve?
Could I be your Morning, Noon and night?
You’re three hundred and sixty-five,
Are you comfortable giving love to me
Every day you are alive,
Am I the one you want to promise,
You’ll love from now until forever,
Do you think there is anyone else out there
That could understand and love you better
Don’t do this for me,
I want you to do this for you,
For when he asks “Will you always love her”,
I want you to really mean, “I DO”.

Got me Yearning….

The way you rub my leg and brush against my thigh,

can’t deny, can’t even lie… a little higher

might make my body cry

an open faucet, a slight down pour

your lips, my neck

got me begging for more,

I’m yearning, you’re caressing,

Your hands, my buttons

got me undressing,

just a touch can start so much,

is this love? Shit, Might be lust,

Hard to think

I’m so confused

but all I know

Is that I want you,

Either inside,

I ride,

From the back,

On the floor,

Pressed again the wall

Or the door

Don’t care who hears, who knows, who sees

Our body in the mirror

Shadows blending please…

 

Man I want you,

Can’t deny that I do…

Keep kissing on my neck…

Imma make you want me too.

~Kayotic Konfessions

Tribute: Way Past Late (Grandma)

"I always loved you"
“I always loved you”

Trying to let my emotions flow,

But I’ve been holding them so long,

Not the type to hold grudges but the fight we had was strong,

I’m usually the first to say I’m sorry,

But my reasons were concrete,

that’s the lie I’ve been repeating,

To make it easier to sleep

 

 

11 years without a word

No new memories or Reports of change

Tried to reach out to you once

But you didn’t remember my name

Didn’t dwell on it thou,

For I was still pissed at you

Not knowing that in the end…

I’d be angry with me too.

 

I’m angry I couldn’t forgive

That I fueled the flame and then built a wall,

I’m angry it took your death

For that barrier to break and fall

Now I’m left reminiscing and wishing

Second guessing all my decisions

Things we did and didn’t say

Wish I was more mature back then

And you weren’t so stuck in your ways

 

We could have fixed it,

But it’s too late

Could have corrected all of our mistakes

Could have expressed love instead of basking in endless hate

Could have healed the wounds

Instead of suppressing the ache

Could have shared our love thru the grapevine

Instead no one knows who you are

Or understands our history

All they know is that I’m angry,

Left reminiscing and wishing…

 

No one knows I like Otis Redding because of you

That I sing sitting by docks, because that’s what we used to do

That you’re the reason I know the movies true lies and colors line for line

That I was your shadow till I was sixteen because you watched me all the time

That I have a soft spot for diabetics because I used to give you your shot

That when I mention my ‘grandma’, I low-key reference you a lot

I just never put emphasis on it,

Never placed a name with a face

Even though we never spoke

You really never lost your place

 

I guess I’m angry because I still loved

Loved really hard from a distance

Loved really hard without it showing,

Now you’re gone and that love is freaking overflowing.

It’s kind of late to say it now

But I’m hoping if I put it in the air,

Maybe god will take these words and let you read them up there….

 

Way past late… but, I’m sorry and I love you.

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