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Kayotic Konfessions

Itz so much easier to be a Mess…

Month

June 2011

When death gets close….

          It is bad when you log onto twitter and the first thing you see is R.I.P. Then you suddenly realize the tweets only got worst as you stroll down. You begin see, read and feel complete sadness, hurt, anger and you even see reactions that only add to the violence that has already taken place. First you grasp the story, the ends and the outs by the who, what, when and where. I, personally found myself feeling sorry for this person. This person that I don’t even know but through these tweets came off as a genuine, respectful friend and a father. I also, began to run across tweets from the mother of his daughter. Her words expressed so much hurt. Almost like she was lost and begging for relief from what seems to be a nightmare. My heart yearned to comfort this woman I don’t even know. Only her though and not the others on my timeline (TL), because other tweets went from genuine lost to attention grabbers. Just feeding on this lost to get sympathy. Some tweets from people he “may have really knew”… came off as fake to me, which was even more sad. Did you love him that much when he was here?? For there is no way humanly possible he spoke to all 1,000 of y’all yesterday before his departure. *Shaking my head* I just had to sign off.

     Nonetheless, the mother of his daughter tweets stayed with me even while no longer on twitter.  Her tweets were so REAL, I cried. (yes, I cried).  As a mother I felt horrible for her. To have the other half of the greatest blessing in your life to be taken away from you  by violence. To lose someone who didn’t have anything to do with the nonsense nor deserve to die. Then to top it off, to now have to sit your baby down and explain to her why her daddy… her EVERYTHING,  isn’t coming home ever. I wouldn’t even know where to start with that convo, I’d probably just cry the entire time while trying to get the words out. This world isn’t as pretty as the brochures make it out to be, but we only make it twice as ugly by carrying around heavy hearts and anger. I know those people on my TL wont find peace today, but I pray they find it soon before another life is lost….and Lost to soon.

-Kayotic Konfessions

 

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The Great Debate….

University of Maryland
Is this the SMART thing to do??!!

 Need a little help from my  readers….

 

 

So I’m debating my last two years Junior/Senior of college::

 “A good education/experience at a top University (UMD or American University)

 = HELLA EXPENSIVE…HELLA LOANS (probably)”

or

“The neighborhood accredited University where Id get an Mediocre education/experience but the same diploma

(University of the District of Columbia where I got my A.A)

 = Possible Fully coverage with my grants n scholarships (FREE)/Little to no loans (possibly)

 

*sigh*… I hate the great debate….HELP!!!

-Kayotic Konfessions

 

Shoulda Just let the phone ring…

The phone rang and I answered heartbreak with a “Hello”. I shoulda just let the phone ring, let the disappointment get the voicemail. I don’t think he heard the tears hitting the keyboard, which is good I guess. At least my heart and my mind are now both in sync. They both are taking it personal, they both yearn to let go and they both HURT!!!! The decision is now mines… I said I needed time, so I wouldnt regret… but I already know what I feel in my chest!

If ya ever wanna hear how a person really views you… really see’s you… REALLY think what you’ll amount up too… just wait till ya close to the end of what used to be bliss.

-Kayotic Konfessions

Waiting till Heartbreak Hour….

Its 9:40 and I’m waiting for my clock to say 10:45 (and for the phone to ring).

You ever have to wait for someone to break your heart, or for disappointment you THINK/BELIEVE is coming. OH MY STARS, if this has never happened to you it is PURE TORTURE and you’re a lucky son of a gun!!!! Ya mind is zooming towards all the possible things that could be said. Any positive comments are so distant.. you gotta squint ya eyes and pause ya brain just to get a glimpse! Maybe the bad is all I see because I want to be prepared, BUT HOW CAN YOU PREPARE YA HEART from splattering into a million pieces. JUST NOT POSSIBLE!!!!

I know where my mindset should be, but my heart is not trying to get on that page or get with the flow!!! Stupid heart… it’s 9:45. I got a whole hour to convince my heart to get with the program! Waiting for a response I KNOW I don’t want to hear! Maybe he’ll surprise me…want to love me and keep me happy so we can compromise.. I REALLY TRULY SUPA DUPA HOPE so…

Ugh- Kayotic Konfessions

He caught me looking…

I’ve been in a relationship since October… so I never let my lips perch to speak to unknowns. I try not to even let my eyes roam. My eyes have a home so if I never stray, no temptation could happen. Today however, I found myself checking out this very tall lightskin brother. I couldn’t help it haha…

Dude looked at me and I looked slam out of the train window, (hard to get or just resisting the urge to look back I guess). When I saw his reflection in the window looking away I decided to at least see what he was working with. I looked at his shoes first. (Can’t take care of your shoes… then you can NEVER take care of a female haha). My eyes slowly moved up…. so slow I didn’t even notice he was watching me… watching me “slowly” check him out. Wasn’t until I got to his face… did I see all his teeth. They were white, thank the stars. I couldn’t help but burst into this childish “I’ve been caught” grin. There we were… two strangers laughing at that brief moment of attraction.

I let the laughter fade, and once again regained my composure. My stop was next… so I enjoyed that feeling and stepped off onto the platform. Nothing more was needed. No numbers exchanged… No “what is your name?”… Just the feeling of being seen … the feeling of maybe being desire… THE END!!!

-Nothing like  brief encounter 🙂

Kayotic Konfessions

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