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Kayotic Konfessions

Itz so much easier to be a Mess…

Month

January 2011

Heart on the Rockz….

I’m assuming if I went to a bar, sat down and ordered a “Heart on the Rockz”… the bartender would just pass out at the thought of my risk to order that or make me a concoction of different forbidden alcohols with no chaser. I would consume this toxic drink and immediately fall over. This is how I feel minus that awesome drink.

My aunt just called me which isn’t out of the norm. I love when she calls, I love seeing her name on my caller ID. She’s like my mom just a few family members too late. Anywho, she started out normal with her hello’s and giggles. I guess preparing me for the big bang!! This is the second time in a month she’s called with news of my nana being or getting sick. UGH!!! First, it was the infamous ear infection which I didn’t take as a big deal until she said it had made her really sick. I keep forgetting elderly people‘s immune systems are the worst. However, she got better and fought it… GO GRANDMA!! However this time auntie called and started out with saying …

“Gma is in the hospital”

Those are words my heart just isn’t prepared to hear. I’ve been having dreams lately that she passes away (dreams I don’t share), and I’m scared. I’m 23… I’ll be 24 is some days and I still truly believe despite me being an adult, my world will collapse without her presence. I am having the hardest time typing this because my eyes are tearing up (not by choice). She has pnemonia my aunt continues. It looks like she may be fine since they gave her antibiotics over night but they’re running test now just to make sure that is all that is wrong. supposedly they didn’t know what had caused her illness at first. My aunt keeps me in the loop, but sometimes I secretly fear she downplays the severity of her condition at times. This pneumonia may seem minor to some, but if your aunt and your grandma were really the only support you knew and your love for them was unmeasurable; almost like the air you breathe….would it still seem minor? Could you live with no air?

There are so many things I still want her here for, and involved in. There will still be days I wish to go and climb in her bed because I am scared or emotionally overwhelmed and laying beside her makes me feel safe. I’m just not ready for the day I fear will soon be approaching. She is getting old. Why can’t she stay young forever? I want her with me forever. My heart is on the rockz, because I’m not ready to bury it yet. She is my heart.

-Kayotic Konfessions

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Gotta Get away….

Starting to see the DMV as a ten block radius.

Sure, I know it’s actually wayyy bigger than that but it never seems that way. When people say the world is a small place, its like nails on a chalkboard. This cliché is such an Overstated yet understatement of this area. Everyone knows everyone and I can’t stand it. I’m always running into people; silently praying they don’t know anyone else I know or have encountered. It’s always a trick thou. For months a person may seem “UNKNOWN” and then one conversation later… they know the same somebody along the lines of John, Jane, Dick or Harry…maybe even Spot.

I gotta get away, all New faces, Names… maybe even a different Language!!!

-Kayotic Konfessions

Everything I needed….

I never have a hard time knowing my place in a relationship, for I know what I can provide and bring to the table. So I’m always comfortable, yet… I always look for reassurance that “I’m secure”. Stability isn’t something that my life has learned to grasp. It’s like a foreign language, the words/actions are spoken and I’m still tryna translate. I don’t watch or look for mistakes within my relationships, for they’re bound to happen; nobody’s perfect. What I look for is signs of uncertainty; signs that I should pack my bags and RUN!!!

I been thru alot so I’m a runner at heart! You cannot point to the door and expect me not to walk to it… I WILL!!! Esp, if the window isnt closer. I run when I’m scared, I feel unappreciated, or I just feel unwanted! It’s easier and I don’t want to get hurt!

So to keep me from running I look for reasons to stay. Things that make me feel comfortable, to the point… if I get hurt, “its worth it”. In relationships people are given titles. Titles they don’t deserve and titles that reflect no heart or thought was put behind it. I have the tendency on watching how people introduce their significant other. I guess you could say it’s one of my pet peeves. How they look away, barely mumble… even forget the title, if not the person all together and say… “oh, this is such as such”. It really grinds my gears… to the point, I might not even bother to introduce the person I’m with the next time where out with random friends depending on how they go about acknowledging me.

Nonetheless, My POI and me went out this weekend. I can honestly say I was shocked and Impressed. He has no idea, cause I still have yet to tell him, “HE IS AWESOME”. He gave me what I needed without even knowing. I know how he feels about us, the title, etc. I have it, so I dont press the issue, I might as a million reassuring questions lol (blame my past), but I KNOW my place. HOWEVER, to hear it… and watch as he took pride in it! The fact… I, Kayotic Konfesions is his lady. There was no mumble, no konfusion, and no lack in respect as the words fell from his lips. I was given it all, sincerity and genuine praise. His close net but distant friends, the ones I had heard about but never seen until this night…. finally seen me! They were introduced to the way he sees me! I felt overjoyed, for a lack of better words “LOVED”.

“Never knew I needed” by Ne-yo popped in my head after that night!

Kayotic Konfessions

Kayotic the spy…

Old postcards and a magnifying glass.
"I spy with my Kayotic Eye...."

I think I’ve choosen the wrong profession to go into. I should have considered being a detective or a SPY!!! I’d be so good at it, and “I LOVE IT”. Yeah I know, snooping is bad, morally wrong…blah blah blah, sue me :-)!

 If people didn’t do so much dirt, there’d be nothing to hide and no reason for uncovering the truth. Husbands and wives have to hire people to follow their spouses all the time; just to receive pictures in the mail with them sexing kindergarteners … I mean younger adult lls. It’s a good profession, I think lol.  I haven’t snooped in a while so I forgot how mischievous it felt lol. Until earlier I was a little determined to find out who my EX’s new-found girlfriend was. People kill me not giving these significant others the spotlight they damn well deserve LOL. If I’m your girl and you adore me like you “so-called” say or POST then please…oh please …”INTRODUCE ME TO THE WORLD!”

Anywho, it didn’t take long at all… Just enough clicks, a little browsing and BAM!! There she was, I had no hate-rade for their relationship, and I wasn’t the least bit disappointed. She was gorgeous!! I let out a silent Whoop-Whoop. I’m so happy for my ex because HE IS HAPPY and deserves it! I was also happy to see my spy skills were still as sharp as the day I stopped using them.” GO ME…GO ME!!!”  It made me reminisce on all the dirt I used to run across, that my old flames really thought they had so secretly pushed under the rug. They were so DUMB lls… smh, If only they knew… I should get paid for all I can do/uncover! I’d probably still stun them with everything I KNOW that I have yet to Konfess… HAHAHA!!

-Kayotic Konfessions (The DMV Spy)… signing out 🙂

Follow the scent…

Just gotta have it!!!

 

"Can I smelly your neck for a sec"...lol (just a sec)

There is nothing better than a man who smells desirable. It truly is my kryptonite. To the point I will break my neck to see who is wearing the smell that is driving my spider senses up the wall.  I almost wanna rescue them by telling them they smell delicious. IM IN LOVE!!! Even thou the temptation is overwhelming I try to reframe myself.

 

One reason is because I am taken,

While another is because… Men don’t take compliments well. I can say I love their scent and they’ll take that as I wanna talk to them or that I’m crazy LOL.

I might be lemme tell you why. I once was walking thru Union Station one day and I shit you not, the smell was so enticing that I JUST HAD TO FOLLOW THE SCENT!!! Almost like how Scooby Doo used to float to food and Scooby snacks. I followed the scent without even looking where I was going. It was getting closer, I was so closed I could touch it. I was hypnotized. It wasn’t until I ran into the back of the guy wearing it did I snap out of it lls. I was so zoned out I never even noticed that he had stopped walking. I damn near walked over the back of his heels. I was highly embarrassed but hey… I did say “a man who smells good is my weakness” lol.

I think if I don’t get married by 30, I might just marry a bottle of men Cologne!!! 🙂

Just one sniff and I’d always be happy!

-Kayotic Konfessions

Hard Time…

Sometimes, I wonder on this historic day, if Martin Luther King would be tossing in his grave if he could see what the world is like now? I mean the Civil Rights Movement is over but are things truly better? Hell NO!!! The death tolls for this year alone are already in the double digits. People hate more than they help others and innocent people are still getting hung with no explanation for their deaths (look it up, in a small town down south a young man was hung before 2010 ended). I mean c’mon are things really any better?

Our youth aren’t interested in learning or bettering their selves; their mimicking idiots like Nikki Minaj and Lil Wayne, most high school girls are getting pregnant, and most young men are dying or going to jail. It sucks!!! The aftermath of this nonsense is hurting some of us because these things are hitting so close to home. Last year, I witnessed friends constantly going to funerals; back to back. I even read about shootings taking place at funerals. Would Dr. King be proud of us or disgusted?

 

My Lil brother and I... "I Luv U"

This week is a historic greatness in one aspect to all of us but it also sparks great sadness to me. My little brother, my heart, my seven years apart twin is turning eighteen this week; Jan. 19th. I should be filled with joy and excitement but I am not. He will be spending his 18th birthday in Prince Georges Correctional Facility…(jail for the slow people). He’s been there since the summer of 2010, a boy mixed in with the real hardcore killers. Yes, I said a boy because once the reality of being locked up set in; the child within came out. He was scared and even thou he only partially admitted it, I could read his face and his heart. I can’t stand it and the judiciary system makes me hate them. His trials have been looked over and constantly pushed back. No one in my family is stupid, these attempts are done so that when he goes to court and stands in front of the judge he will no longer be looked upon as a minor but as an ADULT.

 

I should be happy he’s made it to his 18th birthday since most young men never do, instead I am still deeply saddened. His birthday may very well mark the beginning to years in a maximum prison. I know he’s made some mistakes, minor ones in my eyes, esp. if you look at all that is taking place in the world. He wanted to stand out and be popular by name brands… he wasn’t selling drugs or shooting people and nonetheless his life is RUINED!! and when or if he gets out… he’ll just be another statistic, another black man who will have nothing but a bad label…CONVICT!!

 

Us playing around 🙂

I wonder would Martin Luther King be just as sad as me, if he could see what the world was like now in 2k11.

 

-Kayotic Konfessions

That hurt…

Just got a nice smack of reality. I think a part of me had gotten so comfortable within my ability to actually smile, I forgot. Why would someone really want to be with me? Let alone see things to come?

I’ll be 24 next month n I have NOTHING. NOTHING TO OFFER NOR NOTHING TO BRING TO THE TABLE.

THANK U FOR THE REMINDER 😥
THINK I NEED A HIATUS
-kayotic konfessions

Troubled vision

Why is it women can have this vision but men can’t see it? All they see are the nonexistent, haven’t reached variables that prevent the bigger picture.

E.g. “Do you see a future for us? Can you see us getting married? Would u mind having a child with me (in the future)?”  Etc.

Do those questions trigger something that makes u think were asking you to sign your life away to us? Maybe you think were asking you to know the future… to KNOW what’s written in stone? Somebody clue me in because obviously were on different ends of the drawing board. I may ask because I want to know if you could at least seeing me playing these roles in ones life. Maybe its just reassuring that were not wasting each others precious time building blurry never gonna happen visions. Im not gonna ask in the future WILL u marry me…(if that’s the case I’d be proposing to you…not the other way around) i may ask however, can you “see”… keyword here people “see” yourself marrying me? Why do men wanna explain the variables on WHAT IF’s??? You can’t see it, can you? I can’t help you paint a picture If u can’t even imagine the image.

-I just don’t get it
Kayotic Konfessions
(Written using mobile device)

Aint worth Shyt….

I remember being a little girl and saying I’d never be like my mom. NEVER EVER. I’d never do the things she used to do to us, or the things she used to say. To this day, I’ve been true to my “Never”, except on a few occasions. My mom used to slam my “biological Father“… constantly, religiously. I used to think it was for sport and it made her feel good. I was wrong about her in this situation. He was a dead beat, so now that I’m older and in the same boat; I understand. I’m still not as ruthless as her but I fear in time…. I will be.

My mom used to always complain about the small things my dad bought for me, the trinkets. As a kid I thought they were awesome. I remember turning about nine or one of my birthdays around that age, my dad filled a big Macy’s box with dollar store buys and free toys. I knew it wasnt top-notch but from a child’s perspective it was the best thing smoking; my own toy box. While from a mother’s perspective… it was bullshit and he wasn’t shit; dollar store toys ugh!

“I understand NOW… I didn’t get it then.”

It’s like you don’t want to down the attempt to do something good after a long list of nothing but c’mon really??!! I look at the small insignificant things he’s bought for her and I compare them to the recent sacrifices I have to make on a daily basis. I compare them to the recurring bills to support her and they don’t add up!!! They aren’t even equivalent to the “pot to piss in or the broken window to throw them out. It burns me up. I mean adds fuel to this forest fire; yet I remain silent.

Not for the sake of sparing feelings, keeping friendships/smooth encounters, and not for the sake of exposing my pride

but for the sake …..“the sake of the child.”

It is in that “silent” action alone, that differentiates me from my mother.

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