My life had changed drastically in a matter of minutes. I made a decision, I still seldomly find myself REGRETTING to this day. <—YES I SAID IT!!! You want real Konfessions… YOU GOT IT!!
I decided to keep the baby and just deal with whatever came my way. I was young, dumb and LOST; better yet STUPID! I was one of the teens you’ve all watched before on Maury that believed a child could keep a man. I learned the hard way… it can not! A lesson I am grateful for nonetheless. I told the child’s father right away. We will refer to him as “Nomad”; a wanderer with no remorse. When I let the words escape me that i was pregnant, he was stunned. He really didn’t know what to say but he believed me, which was a huge relief. I’ve never been a liar but I heard stories of men saying the child was not theirs so I was a little uneasy. It turned out being a breeze, he eventually became okay with the idea and said we’d work it out. (Kool, I thought….at least a that moment.)
It was telling my dad that was the kicker. Over that week, I managed to duck and dodge my dad even thou we resided under the same roof. I had convinced myself that I needed to figure out a game plan before i could approach him. I would never be able to face him with no plan, for my confidence was in shambles and my spirits were at a record-breaking low. At school one day I had confided in a girl I considered my friend. I told her my problems and she gave me a solution; I could live with her. The pressure immediately lifted, leaving me with nothing else to do but tell my dad. I told him we needed to talk and I sat him down. I remember saying it all within one big breath…. “I’m pregnant, but don’t worry I found a place to stay and I’ll be out of your house by this weekend.” Unlike “Nomad” who was stunned but still managed to find the words… My dad was silent. Here I was in front of a person that loves to talk but was graveyard silent; I was scared. He was upset that I was pregnant but hurt by the fact I was moving out. I didn’t get it, it’s what he always said, this is what he always claimed he wanted… WHAT THE HELL??
**Anyway…speeding the story up till I say about 4 mos later: I was happy again…had everything I ever wanted. = A FAMILY!! I was his quote on quote “Fat momma” and I was living the dream. The only problem with dreams is…you eventually wake up!
I would have to say when I reached my 4th mos marker, that was around the time I truly hated my entire pregnancy. Pregnancy was supposed to be this great highlight etc. but it was HELL!!! I finally was over my morning sickness stage, which was the pits. I remember the day everything changed from ok to hella bad. It was the day we went to go see the sex of the baby… We both really really really (did I say REALLY??!!) wanted a boy. What we got was a GIRL! I was upset for about 2 secs… then all smiles, “It’s a girl”. I think I called everyone heading home, while he still sat in his own sorrow. He said he was okay with the baby being a girl, but I could tell he was lying. He tried to convince me by buying some girly baby stuff so I ignored it. However, after that bit of disappointment in his books, he became sort of distant. Still here and there from time to time. Especially when night-time fell and we’d have sex. Slowly but surely he became even more distant, blaming it on work etc. It was cool thou, I was still wrapped in my fairy tale and besides my roommate didn’t like the fact he was always over. When her and her bf broke up she started complaining about his presence. I just figured she didn’t want to see anyone else happy if she wasn’t. I eventually started getting the feeling she didn’t like the fact I was pregnant either. She always wanted a baby and I was like this big reminder of everything she wanted and didn’t have. Nonetheless, I ignored her and figured I should be happy I was blessed! I would soon have a loving family and we’d be together forever.
“I look back on my stupidity now and I become SICK!!!…
I was so blind. I was so fucking stupid.
I was so high up that it doesn’t shock me one bit how hard I fell!”