Where do I start… the beginning they say… but where is that?

Have you ever had a saying or phrase branded within your brain by your parents? I mean truly drilled into your everyday existance. My phrase was “If you ever get pregnant, you better find somewhere else to live because you can’t stay here”. I used to just brush him off because when he first started saying it, I was still a virgin. I didn’t lose my virginity until two weeks before I turned 18. To some loser named ….NVM, that’s a another story. Anyways, my stepfather used to constantly let these words fall so loosely out of his mouth. Never occurred to me he didn’t really mean it, that it just sounded nice within his head.

"Its Positive"...."but I can't be pregnant"

I’d say about two weeks, maybe a month before my whole world crumbled… I had just broken up with boyfriend. I can’t recall exactly how I felt about it. I just remember finding out he was cheating on me, while using the phone I was paying for. He had to go. I wanna say my heart might have been in pain, but I can’t call it. I just remember meeting a “NEW NEW” and smiling endlessly… UNTIL… I got really sick and all I wanted to do was sleep. (signs that hell was approaching).

I called one of my friends, and she brought over a test she had been saving in the woodwork’s for herself. I swear that 2 min or whatever it takes for those lines to appear felt like years. The anticipation was KILLING ME!!! All I kept thinking was “I DONT WANT NO DAMN KIDS!!!!” I waited and sure nuff…. it said “PREGNANT”. I wanted to CRYYYYYY!!! Kept telling my best friend it wasn’t right, and I wasn’t pregnant! I had tripped and fallen right into denial. This was my thought process, until I took another test the next Morning = POSITIVE! What the HELL? WHY?… this can not be freaking happening to me!!!!!

I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I hated my parents for their abandonment and neglect towards me ….so to even think I’d make a good parent was far-fetched. I was terrified, I didn’t want to be like them. I was 19 for god sake, I work at blockbuster and I’m still in college. The child’s father is a cheater… he doesn’t LOVE ME!! smh. What the hell was I to do? To top it off that parental phrase kept replaying in my head…. “IF YOU BECOME PREGNANT….YOU CANT LIVE HERE”…

What was I to do….?

Where was I going to go?

What will he say when I tell him? Should I get rid of the baby?

-Kayotic Konfessions

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