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Kayotic Konfessions

Itz so much easier to be a Mess…

No longer an “I”

"We" and it feels so right!!
“We” and it feels so right!!
I used to dream the day would come when I wouldn’t be alone
When raising a child or children, would consist of that two parent home,
When my days would be long, but I would have some sort of help,
instead of trying to save the day and having no time for myself.

I used to dream I would get a small break
While she screams my significant others name,
That maybe once during the week
We would have a family night of games,
Where we would all laugh and have fun
And great moments could be exchanged.

I used to dream the day would come
When the struggle wouldn’t be so hard
For the support wouldn’t be one-sided,
And my fears I could share,
For I’d know they wouldn’t be disregarded
And there would be someone that truly cared.

I used to dream all these things,
That my life would no longer consist of an “I”
That it would eventually become a “we”,
I dreamed and I dreamed
And god sent you to me.

At first, you didn’t see my dreams
Our visions were both on different stages,
Then god showed us both the big picture
as he continued to unveil the pages.

Now, we are here…. New Parent’s to be.
And you are constantly teaching me,
to let go of “I and mines” and embrace this brand new “we”.
Giving me reasons to believe,
Showing me actions instead of words,
Even with just a one look, know that you are always heard.
Being able to trust enough to follow,
learning I don’t always have to lead,
No longer a strong “I”
I cashed it in for the reality of this “we”…
And out of everything I envisioned,
It/you … is so much better than I had dreamed.
🙂

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So Close…. Im reaching hurdles….

     I would like to say today has been irritating but I mind as well say this week. I started back at school this week and it has been hell. I’m a 25 yr old single parent trying to finish up my Bachelors. The darn semester has barely started and I’m already having doubts. I’m so close though that I damn near want to cry. I have only two semesters left but I have to take my full loads. Everyone’s cheering saying I can do it and encouraging me to take it all on but everyone that so-called has quote on quote said “they can help” has been flaky and inconsistent.

   Again it’s the first darn week, I got three months to go and I can only miss a total of 5 classes. I probably wouldn’t be half as stressed if I didn’t know how closely they are monitoring the student’s this semester. I need all my classes. I need to keep my loans and scholarships *sigh*. It’s to the point I’m getting irritated with people. Don’t say you can pick up my princess, have me believing in you, signing up for these classes and you can’t freaking do it. She’s left stranded at school and I’m left missing school.

Frustrated to the Max,

Kayotic Konfessions 😦

Calculating the odds…

Image            As a parent, we tend to outweigh everything. The odds of the good and the effects from the bad. Although neither might come into play… we are always thinking and the wheels in our head remain turning. I am in a nice spot, so I wouldn’t refer to it as being placed between a rock and a wall (so it’s a nice spot).

            My daughter’s father is finally helping. Nothing major but hey, I can see the light. It has probably been the most help I have seen since she was born and she is about to be five years old. He actually takes the time to see her when I ask. It is still in small doses but it went from 11 days in the past 3 years to a nice amount lol. My only problem now is financially I don’t see much of anything. This year alone I can say he gave her 10 dollars just because one day, a pair of (99-somethings) “new balance” maybe a month or two later, and he gave me 40 dollars to cover a aftercare payments that 62.50 every two weeks. C’mon, shake your head with me lol…

Nonetheless, I still smile, remain cordial and don’t complain out loud or in front of my child. 🙂

           However, I recently got a letter saying the Maryland Courts are considering dropping our child support case that I opened in 08, that I have been waiting patiently for results and they still have yet to do anything about it. Am I wrong for writing them and stating I don’t wish to have the case dropped? Am I wrong for calculating in my head receiving a losey forty dollars when he feels like it? I mean really… forty dollars don’t do much against her transportation, food, school trips, school fees, summer camp costs, clothes and not to mention the “wants” alone of a 5-year-old. Did you notice that none of that included rent, bills or any of the things I still have to buy for my own personal “needs”… not even wants because she always comes first. Am I wrong?

I am calculating the odds and honestly, they just don’t seem balanced nor do they seem fair. SO AM I WRONG?

Just Because…..

image

“Just because” Flowers…. 18×24

When’s the last time someone surprised you with “just because” flowers, candy, or anything for that matter? Love is lost…. And many can’t understand nor comprehend how to find it… It starts with time. Taking the time and the initiative to figure out what makes that special person smile or light up brighter then the sun…

Take the time… Those flowers above… I painted and I painted them “Just Because”….

Forget the Date…

“Excuse me while I forget the date….

Act just like you,

forget that it symbolizes what we’ve been through

that it marks we’ve survived,

that were suppose to keep going,

your forgot, now so shall I

Lets continue not knowing!!!!”

Yes, I am a little salty at the moment (if you haven’t figured it out my anniversary is this week, but it has turned out to be unimportant). It seems like things within a relationship just are not important to the fellas of this generation anymore. Time comes with the territory of being in relationship and I think guys tend to forget that. Also, included is the significance of growing and creating memories. It seems to not be a big deal to most fellas but “HEADS UP GUYS“…. it is important to us ladies! It aint even about the damn gift, JUST REMEMBER THE DATE!!! Show you care just as much about the relationship, the person you chose to be with, and the time that is being spent! No one like to reach a year or more and feel like it has been a waste because they are in it alone! Give small gestures of love, passion and appreciation. Where has the romance gone? Being in a relationship physically is NOT enough to keep it alive or enough for us to turn the other cheek when you are slacking!

~Remember how you got her, and that is how you will keep her…. & lets not forget the dates! Or she will fill that empty space, erase all the dates and forget your FACE, I swear she will! (I’m just saying, no Pun Intended)

-Kayotic Konfession

 

Damn if you do, Damn if you dont…

I am not fully comprehending how this works and its becoming a bit frustrating. When you are in a relationship, is it not suppose to be about the good of both parties opposed to self? When you are in a relationship, where exactly do you draw the line between pride, acceptance and/or compromise?

Being in a relationship and wanting to do for your significant other or help them out at times when you are unable is bad enough. For that is like torture to yearn to do something for the one you love but you can’t. However, nothing holds a candle stick to those moments except those few times when you can actually be of some assistance. When you have a little extra or you are able to help during a bad situation and your significant other refuses your gestures. Your badgered with, it’s not right, they will be okay, and they just turn down your gesture by turning the other cheek. It’s almost like a smack in the face. How do you expect to grow and maintain in the future, when bigger things present their self and you don’t or won’t allow that person to help? How are you gonna feel when that time comes and you need that person’s help but you have refused it so much that at that moment of need, they never even offer? Never even think twice about you needing assistance because as you claimed numerous times before “you will be fine.”

If you are in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be balanced and consisting of a bond of not one but two, what do you do?

“Constant ignored gestures or offers from the heart, eventually fade and become non-existent every time they are presumed to not be needed.” – Kayotic Konfessions

So blown

I have an image repeating in my head and it Is killing me. It is eating away at my heart. How do I erase it… forget it?? Drop it in the bottom of the Atlantic and let the sharks devour it. I just want it gone! 😦

-kayotic konfessions

… untitled

I always knew I was emotionally driven, it just never dawned on me as to how much. I find myself only writing in my blog now when my heart is heavy, when I am touched with love or when I feel disappointed. Its like I need a private space to vent, where the words that I yearn so badly to say can come out without being judged, without having to be explained further or backed up with evidence of why I feel the way I do. Some days, some moments….. I can’t even figure out what it is exactly that is bothering; Like now.

I am dead broke but I want to go to Kings Dominion. We had set the date for Saturday but I suddenly begin putting priorities before the trip and decided against it, like always when it comes to anything I may want to do. In the mist of my decision, a bad week turned into a horrible one and I decided I wanted to change my mood around. So I once again decided to go and found a way to make it happen. I confronted my better half on my findings to discover he now has a game the day of the trip. So I say nevermind because at the time my hopes were not up and my decision to not go was genuine. Nonetheless, he made it seem like no big deal about the game, “let’s go” he says. I shoulda known it wasn’t true but that moment was when I allowed my hopes to rise and I began to envision the fun, the rides, the laughs, Qt time and the entire trip.

However, today we were in the car talking about the trip in person, that was supposed to take place tomorrow and that is when I saw it : the disappointment of missing his game, on his face.”So I say never mind, no worries”… yes, submissive ass me once again. After my response he finally admitted he really wanted to play Smdh.

Sometimes I really dislike the way I am and I think that is the reason why I am upset. The fact I am always last and its mainly my fault. I rarely speak up about the things I want unless my mood and tolerance is so far gone that I’m ready to snap. (Its so unhealthy). I think I am also upset because I have been wanting to go to this very simple place with my other half for what is now two years, yet we still have yet to make it. Now, let it had been something to do with his boys, his bike or any of his other friends and he would have been made it happen. (Once again, feeling last). I think that is truly whack, but whatever.

It just makes me want to do more things, on my own… alone. Travel the world and visit the places I wish when I want. I can’t wait until my life reaches the point when I have the extra cash to just buy my plane ticket at any moment, pack my bags… drive across two state lines or more, whether someone wishes to accompany me or not. I get the feeling that dat is how my 25th birthday will be and that’s fine. Everyone is saying their going but I guarantee in the end it will be probably me and one other person… or just me.

Just my thoughts at the moment, a lot longer than usual… Yeah, I know!!

-Kayotic Konfessions

When death gets close….

          It is bad when you log onto twitter and the first thing you see is R.I.P. Then you suddenly realize the tweets only got worst as you stroll down. You begin see, read and feel complete sadness, hurt, anger and you even see reactions that only add to the violence that has already taken place. First you grasp the story, the ends and the outs by the who, what, when and where. I, personally found myself feeling sorry for this person. This person that I don’t even know but through these tweets came off as a genuine, respectful friend and a father. I also, began to run across tweets from the mother of his daughter. Her words expressed so much hurt. Almost like she was lost and begging for relief from what seems to be a nightmare. My heart yearned to comfort this woman I don’t even know. Only her though and not the others on my timeline (TL), because other tweets went from genuine lost to attention grabbers. Just feeding on this lost to get sympathy. Some tweets from people he “may have really knew”… came off as fake to me, which was even more sad. Did you love him that much when he was here?? For there is no way humanly possible he spoke to all 1,000 of y’all yesterday before his departure. *Shaking my head* I just had to sign off.

     Nonetheless, the mother of his daughter tweets stayed with me even while no longer on twitter.  Her tweets were so REAL, I cried. (yes, I cried).  As a mother I felt horrible for her. To have the other half of the greatest blessing in your life to be taken away from you  by violence. To lose someone who didn’t have anything to do with the nonsense nor deserve to die. Then to top it off, to now have to sit your baby down and explain to her why her daddy… her EVERYTHING,  isn’t coming home ever. I wouldn’t even know where to start with that convo, I’d probably just cry the entire time while trying to get the words out. This world isn’t as pretty as the brochures make it out to be, but we only make it twice as ugly by carrying around heavy hearts and anger. I know those people on my TL wont find peace today, but I pray they find it soon before another life is lost….and Lost to soon.

-Kayotic Konfessions

 

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