I always knew I was emotionally driven, it just never dawned on me as to how much. I find myself only writing in my blog now when my heart is heavy, when I am touched with love or when I feel disappointed. Its like I need a private space to vent, where the words that I yearn so badly to say can come out without being judged, without having to be explained further or backed up with evidence of why I feel the way I do. Some days, some moments….. I can’t even figure out what it is exactly that is bothering; Like now.
I am dead broke but I want to go to Kings Dominion. We had set the date for Saturday but I suddenly begin putting priorities before the trip and decided against it, like always when it comes to anything I may want to do. In the mist of my decision, a bad week turned into a horrible one and I decided I wanted to change my mood around. So I once again decided to go and found a way to make it happen. I confronted my better half on my findings to discover he now has a game the day of the trip. So I say nevermind because at the time my hopes were not up and my decision to not go was genuine. Nonetheless, he made it seem like no big deal about the game, “let’s go” he says. I shoulda known it wasn’t true but that moment was when I allowed my hopes to rise and I began to envision the fun, the rides, the laughs, Qt time and the entire trip.
However, today we were in the car talking about the trip in person, that was supposed to take place tomorrow and that is when I saw it : the disappointment of missing his game, on his face.”So I say never mind, no worries”… yes, submissive ass me once again. After my response he finally admitted he really wanted to play Smdh.
Sometimes I really dislike the way I am and I think that is the reason why I am upset. The fact I am always last and its mainly my fault. I rarely speak up about the things I want unless my mood and tolerance is so far gone that I’m ready to snap. (Its so unhealthy). I think I am also upset because I have been wanting to go to this very simple place with my other half for what is now two years, yet we still have yet to make it. Now, let it had been something to do with his boys, his bike or any of his other friends and he would have been made it happen. (Once again, feeling last). I think that is truly whack, but whatever.
It just makes me want to do more things, on my own… alone. Travel the world and visit the places I wish when I want. I can’t wait until my life reaches the point when I have the extra cash to just buy my plane ticket at any moment, pack my bags… drive across two state lines or more, whether someone wishes to accompany me or not. I get the feeling that dat is how my 25th birthday will be and that’s fine. Everyone is saying their going but I guarantee in the end it will be probably me and one other person… or just me.
Just my thoughts at the moment, a lot longer than usual… Yeah, I know!!