As a parent, there are many things that I don’t want to take from my daughter. So many things I still want her to bear witness to even thou certain obstacles prevent that reality to be. I want her to know that even thou her father and I will never get back together; “Love did exist there”.

If you look at us now, this is not the reality of things. Not even close. I can’t stand the person he has grown to be or how much of a man/father he is not… while he probably see’s me as a bitchy spawn of satan (Not sure, but hey..maybe).  

However, despite how closed hearted we are now, there was a time our hearts did beat as one. At times, I still can’t believe it, so I know she’ll have a hard time swallowing the truth. It isn’t until I run across old poems, pictures etc… that I stop and think ” Damn, I loved the hell outta him”.

For her sake and sanity when she gets older I keep these things, when normally I would trash the past. Who am I to take away from an image she may want to see? Who am I to erase this diluted illusion she may want to cling onto? I never got to see my parents happy and together until I was going through my grandma’s things and there it was : “An old, half tarnished photo of the two of them in the park, all hugged up and smiling”. Needless to say, I was shocked but my heart was touched beyond belief. As an old lover of my daughter’s father I wish I could forget but as the mother of his child I choose not too. I have a box of memories : Old pictures when we were in love/inseparable, old poems and journals where I confessed I loved, jail letters… when he was away while she was 1 and 2, old emails where we fought thru out the years (So she can judge for herself) and even a ring he once gave me before she got here (which I will give to her).

“What seems like overrated trash to me, may be a whole new world of treasure to her….”

Maybe??!

– Kayotic Konfessions

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