I’m assuming if I went to a bar, sat down and ordered a “Heart on the Rockz”… the bartender would just pass out at the thought of my risk to order that or make me a concoction of different forbidden alcohols with no chaser. I would consume this toxic drink and immediately fall over. This is how I feel minus that awesome drink.

My aunt just called me which isn’t out of the norm. I love when she calls, I love seeing her name on my caller ID. She’s like my mom just a few family members too late. Anywho, she started out normal with her hello’s and giggles. I guess preparing me for the big bang!! This is the second time in a month she’s called with news of my nana being or getting sick. UGH!!! First, it was the infamous ear infection which I didn’t take as a big deal until she said it had made her really sick. I keep forgetting elderly people‘s immune systems are the worst. However, she got better and fought it… GO GRANDMA!! However this time auntie called and started out with saying …

“Gma is in the hospital”

Those are words my heart just isn’t prepared to hear. I’ve been having dreams lately that she passes away (dreams I don’t share), and I’m scared. I’m 23… I’ll be 24 is some days and I still truly believe despite me being an adult, my world will collapse without her presence. I am having the hardest time typing this because my eyes are tearing up (not by choice). She has pnemonia my aunt continues. It looks like she may be fine since they gave her antibiotics over night but they’re running test now just to make sure that is all that is wrong. supposedly they didn’t know what had caused her illness at first. My aunt keeps me in the loop, but sometimes I secretly fear she downplays the severity of her condition at times. This pneumonia may seem minor to some, but if your aunt and your grandma were really the only support you knew and your love for them was unmeasurable; almost like the air you breathe….would it still seem minor? Could you live with no air?

There are so many things I still want her here for, and involved in. There will still be days I wish to go and climb in her bed because I am scared or emotionally overwhelmed and laying beside her makes me feel safe. I’m just not ready for the day I fear will soon be approaching. She is getting old. Why can’t she stay young forever? I want her with me forever. My heart is on the rockz, because I’m not ready to bury it yet. She is my heart.

-Kayotic Konfessions