“I know Imma little slow winded with my drama. It’s hard to explain the struggle when you’ve tried for so long to hide it from the public.  My friends, the few I consider extended fam are probably so dear to me because during this period in my life they never judged me. I Love y’all… anyways…

People ever judge you without having the slightest clue as to the life you go home too, the drama or the issues that dance behind your smile? Well people constantly did that to me towards the end of my pregnancy. Just the fact I’m light skin, I guess rubbed people the wrong way. It gave them the assumption I HAD EVERYTHING and I HAD IT EASY because of my looks. 

 Puhhlease!! I wished.

I always wondered if they knew the truth, what their outlook of me would be. Guess, it wouldn’t matter being as thou I never spoke about it. I never wanted pity or to be looked upon as a fucking charity case. “Oh that’s Kayotic girl her life fucked up”. My life was the complete opposite from having it good, it was freaking HORRIBLE. I was still an emotional wreck from loving someone who didn’t love me back. My roommate gave me a bullshit excuse and a two weeks notice because her mom needed to move in. Umhm, yeah… OKAY (bullshit)! LOL. Honestly, I still don’t know how I managed to fake a smile thru the rest of my pregnancy. After that low blow of getting kicked out I had no choice, I did the only thing that felt right and half way smart…. I called my dad and moved back home. Things were different thou when I got back. My dad had given my room away to my Uncle. UGH!! (one of those dumb uncles that think just because he’s old he’s right). We fought almost every damn day; like dude SHUT UP lls.  My brother and sister had ill feelings towards me because “the favorite child” was back. (If only they had a clue and knew what to do with it smh).

"No Water"...Bummer

Life was semi normal for a second; I was home. Those seconds didn’t last long at all and my home was falling apart. While I was away my dad had been struggling and somehow managed to let every bill lapse or collapse, should I say. [[EVERY BILL]]. Shortly after noticing that the pressure was on. First to go, was the gas. We managed thou and adapted for months like it was nothing. I was pregnant taking cold showers. If I was hungry I’d just use the plug-in fryer or work the microwave. I became a microwave GODDESS lls. The second to go was the water. I sit back now and I still don’t know how we survived. No water at all. I remember traveling to other people houses just to take a shower. Having to pour water and the toilets for it to flush. Man I hated my life… I hated when people came over. I was the true definition of poor or trailer trash but living in a house. Despite all of this, people looking at the outer exterior of my life hated me and thought I had EVERYTHING, when I had nothing). I hated giving birth and bringing her into those conditions but what could I do. (giving birth to her was one of my fondest memories thou…my turning point to hating the idea of being pregnant but the beginning to other stressful ass feelings 😦 ).

From the outside things were gravy... in the inside things were shakey"

Nonetheless, those conditions lasted for a little over a year. They had gotten a little worst but wasnt much I could do, why complain… I still had a roof over my head right? We were still making it. Well one day… we got word that the rent money miraculously was stolen off the entertainment center (by family). Can you say DEVASTATED? 😦 We were already behind by…lordy… lets just stick with the word “behind”. Anyways, I came home one day and there it was… the “EVICTION” notice plastered on the front door. (so embarrassing, we managed to hide everything and now this BIG sign is there for the world to see *hangs head*) “YOU GOT 30 Days to move out”. Sure, that hurt but when I went to turn on the lights and realized the electric was now off too… THAT HURT! I remember going to my intern the next day at the department of social services and looking over people requests for electric/gas help and bursting into tears. I went into my office and put my head UNDER the desk. I was 20 and my world just went from bad to worst. My faith was dangling by a damn thread. The entire office floor was worried about me… their fun and cheerful intern that’s usually so full of light and sunshine was crying the Perfect storm and they couldn’t help.  

To make matters worst, my dad would stay during the day when everything could be seen and leave at night, taking his two kids with him to his gf house. She didn’t like me (im the favorite… STUPID PPL) so me and my now 1-year-old would lay there on the couch where the street light would shine… COLD, NO HEAT, NO WATER, NO ELECTRIC, and Little to NO FOOD. I remember laying there crying my eyes out… ashamed, not worthy….”Why me… Why give me this child? I am doing exactly what I thought I would…I am Failing as a parent. She deserves so much better and I can’t do or give that” I cried something awful.

Remember my statement a second ago, “Well at least we had a roof, right?? <— It’s no longer comforting is it?…

It wasn’t for me 😦

-Kayotic Konfessions